Toxic Love and Self-Discovery

She loves him, but she doesn’t know why

She loves him, but she doesn’t know how

She loves him, but she doesn’t know if he feels the same

She loves him, but she doesn’t know if he remembers her name

She met him, when they were young and free

She met him, when they were wild and happy

She met him, when they shared a kiss and a hug

She met him, when they felt a spark and a hug

She lost him, when they went their separate ways

She lost him, when they faced different days

She lost him, when they stopped calling and writing

She lost him, when they started forgetting and fading

She found him, on Facebook after 17 years

She found him, on Facebook with mixed feelings and fear

She found him, on Facebook with a smile and a click

She found him, on Facebook with a hope and a risk

She messaged him, with a hello and a question

She messaged him, with a memory and a confession

She messaged him, with a love and a plea

She messaged him, with a crazy and a meme

She waits for him, to reply or ignore

She waits for him, to accept or abort

She waits for him, to love or to hate

She waits for him, to embrace or to block her fate

I find myself questioning everything now—did he do more harm than I realize? I know about some of his actions, but the way my body reacted when he reached out... Maybe subconsciously, I knew all along he wasn’t the person I thought he was. Having another girl over while he kept me at arm's length—it wasn’t love. At least, I don’t think it was. I’m not sure what it was, but I'm starting to believe it was all an illusion. The gestures, the gifts, the moments I thought were genuine—perhaps they were all part of some hidden agenda. Maybe it's like the way my mother made me feel, except this time I didn’t even know the price I was paying.

I don't have the answers yet, but I'm learning to be okay with not knowing. What matters is that I'm finally starting to understand what I deserve and, just as importantly, what I won't tolerate. I'm finding myself for the first time, without the shadow of a man clouding my vision. And now, I’m patiently waiting for the love I truly deserve—the kind of connection that doesn't need to be questioned.

He never gave me the full story, and I’ll never know all the details. And honestly, I’ve made peace with that. It’s strange to think that just a few months ago, I thought I was in love, holding on to the hope of some grand reunion. I was ready to repeat the cycle, convinced that we were meant to be. Now, I feel embarrassed by how long I held on, but that too will fade. I trust that someday, I’ll experience the love I deserve. And who knows? Maybe by the time this post is live, that love will already be here.

This is how I learn what toxic love and self-discovery is, and I how I remove the toxicness and discover myself.